Who doesn't like sex? Seriously?

Who doesn’t like sex?  Seriously

So it’s no secret that every lesbian who hasn’t lived with their head buried in the dirt has heard of the dreaded “Lesbian Bed Death”.  It’s as much a part of Lesbian lore as the U-haul, and the “urge to merge”.  Statistically, all three of these things have a basis in reality to some degree, but I have to admit that a lack of sexual desire boggles my mind.  It has also been the bane of my existence to a large degree for the past 12 years.   

I’m a Nurse, and I admit that I do fancy myself as being fairly well versed in the chemistry of sexual attraction and sexual desire.  I understand the cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that assault the human brain when we first meet someone, and that spark occurs that makes you want to spend the next several months hidden away together and only come up for air when absolutely necessary.  Oxytocin, dopamine, and a myriad of other chemicals play havoc with our common sense, and our better judgment at times, turning us into love making machines and making us experience “pleasure” just by being close to someone. 

I even understand how that intense need to be intimate diminishes over time, as our bodies slowly decrease their chemical onslaught and we begin rely more on our own baseline of desire to fuel our passion.  What I do NOT understand, is why some peoples “baseline” is so damn low!  Even non-existent!  I mean what the HELL!  Are you kidding me? 

I know that not everyone can have “exactly” the same sex drive, and that some of us may indeed be just a bit over the top when it comes to physical desire.  But, here’s my question, and it’s one that I’ve never been able to get a straight answer from someone with a “lesser” sex drive.  Why?  What is it that you don’t like about having sex every chance you get?  Hell, what is that you don’t LOVE about it?  I mean I’m almost 50 years old, in the thralls of menopause, and I still can’t get enough.  My “baseline” hasn’t changed at all, and I hope it never does.

Physical love is an intimate and fulfilling experience between two people.  It can be fun and playful, emotional and heartwarming, or profoundly meaningful.  I’ve had great sex, and I mean GREAT, with people I wasn’t in love with.  I’ve had really bad sex, and I mean BAD, with people I thought I WAS in love with.  The common denominator being the sex, and I have to tell you, even the bad sex was better than no sex at all. 

If you read studies about how often couples have sex, you’ll almost always read that lesbian couples in long term relationships have the least sex.  Gay men are number one, followed by heterosexual couples, and then lesbian couples in long term relationships.  It’s enough to make you want to avoid any long term commitments entirely, at least in my book it is.  Having been in a relationship of 12 years with someone who “suffered” from a lack of desire (although she hid that fact pretty damn well until we were well committed to each other), I can tell you that there is NOTHING more miserable than being the person with a high level of desire, being at the mercy of someone with little or none. 

It’s frustrating to go without something that could be given so easily but is withheld from you because your partner has a lack of desire.  You hear “I’m tired”, or “I have a headache”, or “It’s been a terrible day” so often in the beginning, and you try to believe that it’s a temporary thing.  Eventually, however, the truth comes out and usually it does so in the form of an argument about the fact that you’re not having any damn sex!  Your partner finally fesses up that they just don’t have the sexual desire, or the need, that you have.  At that point, you start hitting the Internet looking for an answer, and “Lesbian Bed Death” rears it’s ugly head. 

Most of the articles that you read will tell you that it doesn’t really exist.  They’ll explain that everyone has periods in their lives when stress and circumstance decrease their sexual desire but that with loving understanding and patience they can find their desire again.  Well, if they say so.  That hasn’t been my experience in my life as a lesbian.  In my personal experience it’s been very simple.  Some people like sex, some people love it, and some people tolerate it.  This last group, I guess I just don’t understand. 

To me it’s simple.  Flirting is fun.  Sexual tension is exciting.  Sexual intimacy is rewarding.  Orgasm is awesome.  Why would anyone NOT love it?  My ex liked to say that she just didn’t “need” sex the way I did.  Need?  You “need” to eat.  You “need” to breathe.  You “need” shelter.  I fucking WANT sex.  I don’t need it.  It’s not about need.  It’s about desire, tension, and release. 

I used to think that people who weren’t compatible in their desires, could still have a successful relationship.  I have to tell you, I’ve changed my mind to a great extent on that issue.  I think that the desire for sexual intimacy needs be thoroughly discussed and honestly conveyed at the beginning of any serious relationship because in truth, at least to me, it appears that the “baseline” that someone brings to the table is the one you have to be able to live with.  No doubt, many people do learn to temper their desires in order to maintain a relationship.  The question is do you want to?  If you knew at the beginning that you were going to have to live with night after night of feeling rejected, frustrated, deprived……would you choose to love?   

Pat Robertson - what an idiot!

So Pat Robertson is at it again.  Giving advice to a caller he tells her that Homosexuals will die out because they can't reproduce.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but in order for homosexuals to "die out" wouldn't heterosexuals be the ones that had to stop reproducing?  I mean as great as lesbian sex is, it doesn't lead to pregnancy and I'm pretty sure that every gay person I know is the product of a heterosexual sexual encounter.  Wow!  Aren't you glad Pat Robertson is a television evangelist, and not your brain surgeon?

Reflecting a bit

So I’ve been reflecting a lot lately. Taking these long leisurely strolls through my life, trying to find those moments where I really screwed the pooch and made the massive mistakes that I surely had to have made to end up where I am. It’s been a little bit of a struggle because these really big, stupid, mistakes that I expected to find weren’t there. Instead, what I found was a total lack of decision making on my part. When I look back at the times in my life that led to change, I see me just standing there letting things just “happen”, with little to no actual decision on my own part to either let it happen, or stop it cold in it’s tracks. Kind of hard to blame other people for that, huh? Because that’s what I was really hoping to find, a long line of other people to blame for my being 49 years old, and unhappy as hell.

This little discovery actually blew me away, because I have always thought of myself as a pretty self directed person. Just goes to show you, sometimes the person we know the least, is ourselves. In my case, I ended up being a complete fucking stranger to myself. Not at all the person I thought I was, and most assuredly not the person I wanted to be.

I’m getting to the point where I really hate the entire idea of being “laid back”. That laid back, let it happen and see where it takes you attitude hasn’t served me very well. I wish I had taken a militant, in your face, not a chance in hell am I letting this happen stance now. It turns out, if you don’t make the decisions about what your life is going to be like, someone else will. The only problem with that is that they make those decisions based on what’s good for them, not for you.

The biggest mistake I ever made in my life, was being afraid to make a decision that might be a mistake. It’s better to command your own life and be wrong, than sail smoothly through someone else’s life as the dinghy. That’s pretty much what I’ve been, other peoples life boats. You know, that extra little insurance that you keep around in case the ship you’re sailing won’t float? That’s me! Just tie a rope on me and drag me along behind you as you navigate your own life with purpose, I’ll just wait right here for you to cut me loose when you reach your destination.

Needless to say I’m getting a late start on directing my own life with purpose. Still, better late than never. Perhaps all the inspirational quotes you see about needing all the bad experiences in your life to be able to recognize and appreciate the good ones are true. I don’t know. I think I can better spot a bad decision coming down the pipeline now, no doubt about that. I’m just hoping that somewhere along the way I’ve also developed the ability to stand up and just say “Hell No”, then walk in the other direction.

Lessons Learned

I quit blogging for a long time.  A LONG TIME.  It's funny how your creativity, your desire to have a voice, can just dwindle away to nothing when your personal life is stagnant.  Mine was.  My personal life had become nothing but an attempt to get from day to day without looking at it.  I didn't want to admit that MY life was so without joy, and my relationship of 12 years was nothing but a lie that I kept telling myself over and over, as if repetition made it a more believable lie.  I look back at it now, and wish I could have been more honest with myself.  I wish she, my partner, would have found the strength to end the lies so long before she did.  We wasted so much time, so much life. 

I always knew that I loved her more.  I've always said that no relationship is completely equal.  Someone loves and gives more, someone loves and gives less.  That's when the lies started, right from the beginning.  I told myself that if I loved her enough, if I gave enough, if I waited, she would love me the same way.  But that's not what happened.  Instead of her changing, I did.  Slowly, over years, a huge part of who you are dies when you wait for something, yearn for it, and it never comes.  It's a character flaw of mine that I just couldn't give up and walk away.  I come from parents who were married from their teens until death separated them.  You don't quit.  You don't walk away.  You stay.   No matter what, you don't give up on someone. 

The end came with a whimper.  No fireworks.  I leaned over the couch to kiss her neck, and she leaned into my kiss, something she never did.  How comical that something I once would have been so thankful for, a return of affection, told me at once that it was over.  She hesitated there for a moment, and I knew.  I asked her what was wrong, knowing before she answered, that it was over.  Finally.  It was painful, incredibly painful, to actually hear those words.  Like having something deep inside of your chest grasped and squeezed without mercy until you just can't breathe.  Even though the love I had once felt had become something so much less, it was still love.  I cared.  Hearing her tell me that she had never loved me the way I loved her, never, was devastating.  I knew it, had known it all along, but hearing it was almost more than I could bear. 

I'm still stuggling with the realization that I wasted so much time.  So many years.  I wish I had them back, but that's a wish falling of deaf ears.  There are no do over's in life.  You have to play out the cards you hold in your hand, and if you choose not to fold a losing hand you can't whine about losing the game. 

So I've learned some hard lessons, dealing with this ending in my life.  I've learned that if you know that you love someone more than they love you, you are going to pay for your willingness to accept that.  You'll pay dearly for it.  I've learned that all the romantic notions about age not making a difference in love, are not completely true.  There are stages of your life during which you change, and grow, and mature.  You won't be the same person in decades that you are right now.  What you can live with, accept, and what you want for yourself will change.  It's not impossible that those changes will separate you and your partner/lover/spouse.  Through no fault of your own, you may wake up one day laying next to a stranger. 

I've learned that sexual incompatibility can destroy a relationship.  Call it what you want (I hate the term Lesbian Bed Death), but if one person has a strong sexual desire, and the other has little or none, you are going to have problems.  Something, somewhere, will have to give.  Often, it will be trust and fidelity.

I've learned that no matter how strong you think you are and no matter how much you think you can take, having the lie that you tell yourself shattered and the truth thrown into your face will make you tremble.  It shakes you to your very core, and makes you question everything else in your life.  What's worse, is you begin to tumble.  You spiral out of control and emotions take over.  Any mixed signal from anyone, any unclear message of any kind sends ripples of fear and anger through you reminding you of what you've just been through.  For me, a person who valued being in control and believing I was so well grounded, realizing I was out of control was confusing and scary as hell.  I wanted to stop the feelings, and the thoughts that kept attacking me, but I had no control over them.  I still don't.  They still reach out and grab me by the throat to remind me i'm not out of the woods yet.  But i'm working on it. 

I learned that when you are an emotional mess, do NOT let yourself even contemplate ANY kind of a relationship with ANYONE.  You're as toxic as you'll ever be, and you can ruin what might be something wonderful had you waited.  If it's someone you care about, and they care about you, then they will understand you needing to wait until you have some control of yourself again.  You really can end up hurting someone deeply, and you can hurt yourself in the process as well.  I discovered that I was suddenly unable to interpret subtle sarcasm and even some humor without having warning sirens go off in my head that I was being lied to AGAIN.  I would over react, and very nearly ruined a beautiful friendship by lashing out when I felt confused.  Just don't do it.  If you can't look at what you've been through without pain, you're not ready yet.

I learned that alcohol quiets some demons, and creates others.  Still working on this one, because drinking does help me quiet my head and let me sleep. But, it also magnifies depression and sometimes leads your thoughts to darker places than they need to go.  It lets you say things without a filter.  You need the filter, trust me.   I also learned that there are certain people in your life who simply won't tolerate you self medicating yourself with alcohol, and they can be relentless.

Most of all, I learned that Lesbians are no different from straight couples when it comes to a break up.  Things get ugly.  We live in Texas, and so we're not married.  No divorce to go through, but still a LOT of entanglements.  If you don't have legal recognition of your relationship, go get a lawyer.  Get your relationship on paper somehow.  I hope you never need it, but if you do you'll be so sorry you didn't.  The joke straight people tell about thinking gay people should be allowed to get married because everyone should have to deal with divorce, isn't funny.  It's an ugly truth that can devastate you if you're not prepared.

My ex partner and I have an adopted son together, so there's a lot at stake in my struggle to get through this emotionally intact.  My son loves his other Mother, and I want to encourage and nurture that love.  It's not easy, especially with the "new" woman in her life.  Still, i'm working on it.  In the end, we'll get there.  The one thing we can agree on is that he is the most important thing in all this.

I'm trying to take stock of what I've been through, what I've learned.  I want to look at where I made mistakes, because I never want to repeat this same mistake again.  I'm not sure love will ever be in the cards for me again.  At the moment, trusting someone that much again seem's risky, unwise.  I'm hoping that will change and I can let go of those feelings.  Still, at 49 years of age and having a 2 year old, the likelihood of finding someone who isnt terrified of that is pretty slim.  So, I'm trying to learn to be ok with being alone.  That's a scary thought!  Alone.  Forever. 

Here's the most important thing I learned in all this.  Don't wait forever.  Don't just give up and live in a loveless relationship endlessly.  Time is marching along.  Demand love.  Have sex - mad passionate kinky fun sex, every chance you get.  Have greater expectations of the people in your life.  If they aren't going out of their way to love you, to make you happy, then don't be afraid to walk away.  Don't settle for being the one who does all the loving and giving, because some people will let you until ending things benefits them, irregardless of what it does to you.  Walk away, and believe that somehow what your life will become will be better, because nothing - NOTHING - is worse is living a lie.