Reflecting a bit

So I’ve been reflecting a lot lately. Taking these long leisurely strolls through my life, trying to find those moments where I really screwed the pooch and made the massive mistakes that I surely had to have made to end up where I am. It’s been a little bit of a struggle because these really big, stupid, mistakes that I expected to find weren’t there. Instead, what I found was a total lack of decision making on my part. When I look back at the times in my life that led to change, I see me just standing there letting things just “happen”, with little to no actual decision on my own part to either let it happen, or stop it cold in it’s tracks. Kind of hard to blame other people for that, huh? Because that’s what I was really hoping to find, a long line of other people to blame for my being 49 years old, and unhappy as hell.

This little discovery actually blew me away, because I have always thought of myself as a pretty self directed person. Just goes to show you, sometimes the person we know the least, is ourselves. In my case, I ended up being a complete fucking stranger to myself. Not at all the person I thought I was, and most assuredly not the person I wanted to be.

I’m getting to the point where I really hate the entire idea of being “laid back”. That laid back, let it happen and see where it takes you attitude hasn’t served me very well. I wish I had taken a militant, in your face, not a chance in hell am I letting this happen stance now. It turns out, if you don’t make the decisions about what your life is going to be like, someone else will. The only problem with that is that they make those decisions based on what’s good for them, not for you.

The biggest mistake I ever made in my life, was being afraid to make a decision that might be a mistake. It’s better to command your own life and be wrong, than sail smoothly through someone else’s life as the dinghy. That’s pretty much what I’ve been, other peoples life boats. You know, that extra little insurance that you keep around in case the ship you’re sailing won’t float? That’s me! Just tie a rope on me and drag me along behind you as you navigate your own life with purpose, I’ll just wait right here for you to cut me loose when you reach your destination.

Needless to say I’m getting a late start on directing my own life with purpose. Still, better late than never. Perhaps all the inspirational quotes you see about needing all the bad experiences in your life to be able to recognize and appreciate the good ones are true. I don’t know. I think I can better spot a bad decision coming down the pipeline now, no doubt about that. I’m just hoping that somewhere along the way I’ve also developed the ability to stand up and just say “Hell No”, then walk in the other direction.