I quit blogging for a long time. A LONG TIME. It's funny how your creativity, your desire to have a voice, can just dwindle away to nothing when your personal life is stagnant. Mine was. My personal life had become nothing but an attempt to get from day to day without looking at it. I didn't want to admit that MY life was so without joy, and my relationship of 12 years was nothing but a lie that I kept telling myself over and over, as if repetition made it a more believable lie. I look back at it now, and wish I could have been more honest with myself. I wish she, my partner, would have found the strength to end the lies so long before she did. We wasted so much time, so much life.
I always knew that I loved her more. I've always said that no relationship is completely equal. Someone loves and gives more, someone loves and gives less. That's when the lies started, right from the beginning. I told myself that if I loved her enough, if I gave enough, if I waited, she would love me the same way. But that's not what happened. Instead of her changing, I did. Slowly, over years, a huge part of who you are dies when you wait for something, yearn for it, and it never comes. It's a character flaw of mine that I just couldn't give up and walk away. I come from parents who were married from their teens until death separated them. You don't quit. You don't walk away. You stay. No matter what, you don't give up on someone.
The end came with a whimper. No fireworks. I leaned over the couch to kiss her neck, and she leaned into my kiss, something she never did. How comical that something I once would have been so thankful for, a return of affection, told me at once that it was over. She hesitated there for a moment, and I knew. I asked her what was wrong, knowing before she answered, that it was over. Finally. It was painful, incredibly painful, to actually hear those words. Like having something deep inside of your chest grasped and squeezed without mercy until you just can't breathe. Even though the love I had once felt had become something so much less, it was still love. I cared. Hearing her tell me that she had never loved me the way I loved her, never, was devastating. I knew it, had known it all along, but hearing it was almost more than I could bear.
I'm still stuggling with the realization that I wasted so much time. So many years. I wish I had them back, but that's a wish falling of deaf ears. There are no do over's in life. You have to play out the cards you hold in your hand, and if you choose not to fold a losing hand you can't whine about losing the game.
So I've learned some hard lessons, dealing with this ending in my life. I've learned that if you know that you love someone more than they love you, you are going to pay for your willingness to accept that. You'll pay dearly for it. I've learned that all the romantic notions about age not making a difference in love, are not completely true. There are stages of your life during which you change, and grow, and mature. You won't be the same person in decades that you are right now. What you can live with, accept, and what you want for yourself will change. It's not impossible that those changes will separate you and your partner/lover/spouse. Through no fault of your own, you may wake up one day laying next to a stranger.
I've learned that sexual incompatibility can destroy a relationship. Call it what you want (I hate the term Lesbian Bed Death), but if one person has a strong sexual desire, and the other has little or none, you are going to have problems. Something, somewhere, will have to give. Often, it will be trust and fidelity.
I've learned that no matter how strong you think you are and no matter how much you think you can take, having the lie that you tell yourself shattered and the truth thrown into your face will make you tremble. It shakes you to your very core, and makes you question everything else in your life. What's worse, is you begin to tumble. You spiral out of control and emotions take over. Any mixed signal from anyone, any unclear message of any kind sends ripples of fear and anger through you reminding you of what you've just been through. For me, a person who valued being in control and believing I was so well grounded, realizing I was out of control was confusing and scary as hell. I wanted to stop the feelings, and the thoughts that kept attacking me, but I had no control over them. I still don't. They still reach out and grab me by the throat to remind me i'm not out of the woods yet. But i'm working on it.
I learned that when you are an emotional mess, do NOT let yourself even contemplate ANY kind of a relationship with ANYONE. You're as toxic as you'll ever be, and you can ruin what might be something wonderful had you waited. If it's someone you care about, and they care about you, then they will understand you needing to wait until you have some control of yourself again. You really can end up hurting someone deeply, and you can hurt yourself in the process as well. I discovered that I was suddenly unable to interpret subtle sarcasm and even some humor without having warning sirens go off in my head that I was being lied to AGAIN. I would over react, and very nearly ruined a beautiful friendship by lashing out when I felt confused. Just don't do it. If you can't look at what you've been through without pain, you're not ready yet.
I learned that alcohol quiets some demons, and creates others. Still working on this one, because drinking does help me quiet my head and let me sleep. But, it also magnifies depression and sometimes leads your thoughts to darker places than they need to go. It lets you say things without a filter. You need the filter, trust me. I also learned that there are certain people in your life who simply won't tolerate you self medicating yourself with alcohol, and they can be relentless.
Most of all, I learned that Lesbians are no different from straight couples when it comes to a break up. Things get ugly. We live in Texas, and so we're not married. No divorce to go through, but still a LOT of entanglements. If you don't have legal recognition of your relationship, go get a lawyer. Get your relationship on paper somehow. I hope you never need it, but if you do you'll be so sorry you didn't. The joke straight people tell about thinking gay people should be allowed to get married because everyone should have to deal with divorce, isn't funny. It's an ugly truth that can devastate you if you're not prepared.
My ex partner and I have an adopted son together, so there's a lot at stake in my struggle to get through this emotionally intact. My son loves his other Mother, and I want to encourage and nurture that love. It's not easy, especially with the "new" woman in her life. Still, i'm working on it. In the end, we'll get there. The one thing we can agree on is that he is the most important thing in all this.
I'm trying to take stock of what I've been through, what I've learned. I want to look at where I made mistakes, because I never want to repeat this same mistake again. I'm not sure love will ever be in the cards for me again. At the moment, trusting someone that much again seem's risky, unwise. I'm hoping that will change and I can let go of those feelings. Still, at 49 years of age and having a 2 year old, the likelihood of finding someone who isnt terrified of that is pretty slim. So, I'm trying to learn to be ok with being alone. That's a scary thought! Alone. Forever.
Here's the most important thing I learned in all this. Don't wait forever. Don't just give up and live in a loveless relationship endlessly. Time is marching along. Demand love. Have sex - mad passionate kinky fun sex, every chance you get. Have greater expectations of the people in your life. If they aren't going out of their way to love you, to make you happy, then don't be afraid to walk away. Don't settle for being the one who does all the loving and giving, because some people will let you until ending things benefits them, irregardless of what it does to you. Walk away, and believe that somehow what your life will become will be better, because nothing - NOTHING - is worse is living a lie.
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