Who doesn't like sex? Seriously?

Who doesn’t like sex?  Seriously

So it’s no secret that every lesbian who hasn’t lived with their head buried in the dirt has heard of the dreaded “Lesbian Bed Death”.  It’s as much a part of Lesbian lore as the U-haul, and the “urge to merge”.  Statistically, all three of these things have a basis in reality to some degree, but I have to admit that a lack of sexual desire boggles my mind.  It has also been the bane of my existence to a large degree for the past 12 years.   

I’m a Nurse, and I admit that I do fancy myself as being fairly well versed in the chemistry of sexual attraction and sexual desire.  I understand the cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that assault the human brain when we first meet someone, and that spark occurs that makes you want to spend the next several months hidden away together and only come up for air when absolutely necessary.  Oxytocin, dopamine, and a myriad of other chemicals play havoc with our common sense, and our better judgment at times, turning us into love making machines and making us experience “pleasure” just by being close to someone. 

I even understand how that intense need to be intimate diminishes over time, as our bodies slowly decrease their chemical onslaught and we begin rely more on our own baseline of desire to fuel our passion.  What I do NOT understand, is why some peoples “baseline” is so damn low!  Even non-existent!  I mean what the HELL!  Are you kidding me? 

I know that not everyone can have “exactly” the same sex drive, and that some of us may indeed be just a bit over the top when it comes to physical desire.  But, here’s my question, and it’s one that I’ve never been able to get a straight answer from someone with a “lesser” sex drive.  Why?  What is it that you don’t like about having sex every chance you get?  Hell, what is that you don’t LOVE about it?  I mean I’m almost 50 years old, in the thralls of menopause, and I still can’t get enough.  My “baseline” hasn’t changed at all, and I hope it never does.

Physical love is an intimate and fulfilling experience between two people.  It can be fun and playful, emotional and heartwarming, or profoundly meaningful.  I’ve had great sex, and I mean GREAT, with people I wasn’t in love with.  I’ve had really bad sex, and I mean BAD, with people I thought I WAS in love with.  The common denominator being the sex, and I have to tell you, even the bad sex was better than no sex at all. 

If you read studies about how often couples have sex, you’ll almost always read that lesbian couples in long term relationships have the least sex.  Gay men are number one, followed by heterosexual couples, and then lesbian couples in long term relationships.  It’s enough to make you want to avoid any long term commitments entirely, at least in my book it is.  Having been in a relationship of 12 years with someone who “suffered” from a lack of desire (although she hid that fact pretty damn well until we were well committed to each other), I can tell you that there is NOTHING more miserable than being the person with a high level of desire, being at the mercy of someone with little or none. 

It’s frustrating to go without something that could be given so easily but is withheld from you because your partner has a lack of desire.  You hear “I’m tired”, or “I have a headache”, or “It’s been a terrible day” so often in the beginning, and you try to believe that it’s a temporary thing.  Eventually, however, the truth comes out and usually it does so in the form of an argument about the fact that you’re not having any damn sex!  Your partner finally fesses up that they just don’t have the sexual desire, or the need, that you have.  At that point, you start hitting the Internet looking for an answer, and “Lesbian Bed Death” rears it’s ugly head. 

Most of the articles that you read will tell you that it doesn’t really exist.  They’ll explain that everyone has periods in their lives when stress and circumstance decrease their sexual desire but that with loving understanding and patience they can find their desire again.  Well, if they say so.  That hasn’t been my experience in my life as a lesbian.  In my personal experience it’s been very simple.  Some people like sex, some people love it, and some people tolerate it.  This last group, I guess I just don’t understand. 

To me it’s simple.  Flirting is fun.  Sexual tension is exciting.  Sexual intimacy is rewarding.  Orgasm is awesome.  Why would anyone NOT love it?  My ex liked to say that she just didn’t “need” sex the way I did.  Need?  You “need” to eat.  You “need” to breathe.  You “need” shelter.  I fucking WANT sex.  I don’t need it.  It’s not about need.  It’s about desire, tension, and release. 

I used to think that people who weren’t compatible in their desires, could still have a successful relationship.  I have to tell you, I’ve changed my mind to a great extent on that issue.  I think that the desire for sexual intimacy needs be thoroughly discussed and honestly conveyed at the beginning of any serious relationship because in truth, at least to me, it appears that the “baseline” that someone brings to the table is the one you have to be able to live with.  No doubt, many people do learn to temper their desires in order to maintain a relationship.  The question is do you want to?  If you knew at the beginning that you were going to have to live with night after night of feeling rejected, frustrated, deprived……would you choose to love?